A Series Of Oneshot Medic Drabbles
by Qqtt991
Summary: I'll update these as I go along. Most of these are written to either cure writer's block or just out of sheer boredom.The first one a few people might have seen already.
1. Medic Loses A Bet

Medic sighed.

These medical records he was filling out were becoming to look less like paper, and more like demon spawn sent to cramp his wrist.  
He'd been at this for _hours_ now; filling out the team's medical history _again_.  
BLU likes to have updated medical records of everyone on the team every three _weeks_.  
And who else isn't always drunk out of his mind and actually knows a thing about human anatomy?  
Of course the job falls to him.  
It _is_ his job anyway.

Just as Medic was about to slam his head down on the desk in a rarely displayed act of impatience, Scout came bursting through the Medbay doors with a loud jolting yell,  
"Yo, Doc! Think you can help me with somethin'?"

Medic jerked out of his hunched over position in surprise. He pushed his spectacles up the bridge of his nose.  
"...I'm quite busy, _Scout_. Vhat could you possibly vant?"

"Think you can untangle these?" Scout said, dangling a pair of hopelessly tangled earbuds in front of Medic's face. He irritably pushed them aside.  
"Of _course_ I can. It's just the fact of vhether or not I choose to.

"C'mon man, I've had these for two years and never used 'em cause they got tangled on the way here!" Scout paused for a moment,"Plus I have a bet with Snipes. I bet him a twenty that you _couldn't_ get 'em untangled before tomorrow. If you get 'em untangled, I'll owe you a twenty too.'Course if you fail..." Scout smirked.

Medic snorted,"Of co-" He paused, mentally slapping himself.  
_Do_ not _get sucked in to some simple reverse phycology! Come on! Do not get sucked in! Do not get suc-_  
"Fine. I can't see it being zhat hard anyvay," he blurted.  
_shit._

Scout handed Medic the wad of earbud cords.  
_Holy crap_...  
The ball was so tangled, Medic couldn't see even _one_ of the earbuds'.  
"I've seen vorse..." He lied.  
He sighed again. At least he could use the amusement...  
Although he's had some pretty wild things happen to him as a result of him taking part in bets. Namely that one time he ended up drunk and naked in a bathtub filled with _Yogurt_...  
He shuddered.  
_What's the worst that could happen this time?_

"Vhy are you standing around? Go do something useful. I'll get these untangled," He finally spat, shooing Scout away.

Scout smiled."I am _so_ getting those fourty bucks..."

Eventually next morning came.

Eventually Scout woke up, excited for his earning of forty.

And eventually Medic dragged himself off his desk and wiped the drool from his face. He looked down at the earbuds. He hadn't made any progress save for two inches of untangled wire. He groaned, _feeling_ the bags under his eyes. He'd stayed up until four AM trying to untangle the damn wires and barely got even three and a half hours of sleep.  
He evidentially had a problem with gambling.  
He tiredly fished a twenty out of his desk drawer and placed it on top of the mess of wires.

Scout suddenly burst through the Medbay doors.  
"Didja get 'em untangled, Doc?" Scout hollered.

Blearily Medic grumbled, "Nein..." and shook his head 'no' before collapsing back on the stack of papers that had served as his pillow last night. He went out like a light.

Scout smiled as Sniper walked in to the Medbay.  
"C'mon, Mate. Tell me you untangled 'em," he called out as he stepped into the room. He fell silent at the sight of Medic's unconscious form lying beside the still hopelessly tangled earbuds.  
"Ah, damn..."  
Grudgingly he passed a pair of tens over to Scout who whooped happily before snatching up his earbuds with Medic's twenty tucked in them and running off.

Sniper considered waking Medic but opted against it after looking at the exhausted bags under his eyes.  
_Poor bloke looks like he needs his sleep..._  
Sniper chuckled before slinking out of the Medbay.  
_That guy shouldn't gamble. Anyway I'll probably win that twenty back in the next week anyway..._


	2. Medic's Discovery

Surprisingly the first time Medic saw Spy lying burnt to a crisp and still smoldering three feet away from a pool of water, the first thoughts to cross his mind included, _verdammt, another room to clean out..._ and _How unfortunate..._

That was back in the heat of battle. Now, actually in the act of cleaning out his room, Medic's thoughts were much less _sympathetic_.  
He grumbled as he carelessly tossed Spy's equipment into a box for the eventual replacement Spy.

_One of zhese days I'm going to beat zhat Pyro for giving me so much vork._  
Nearly every week he ended up having to clean out that damned room because of that _one_ unkillable firebug.

He carefully folded the box closed and stripped Spy's bed of it's sheets.  
He pulled the pillow off the bed and immediately froze; the pillow felt odd. Almost hesitantly he peeked inside the pillowcase.  
Medic could only stare open mouthed at what he saw.

He saw _tons upon tons_ of cigarettes. All the same brand. Medic made an odd high pitched squeaking noise. _Holy crap..._

Suddenly Sniper stepped in to Spy's room. "So I heard th' bloke died."

Medic didn't answer. He just kept staring at the near endless supply of cigarettes hidden inside the pillowcase.

"Hey, wot're you lookin' at...?" Sniper walked up beside Medic and looked inside. He gaped at the contents too. "—Holy... So _tha's_ where he kept all'a those cigs!" Sniper finally exclaimed. "Good brand too. Mind if I... Eh... Keep his pillowcase?" Sniper asked. He shot Medic a crooked smile.

Medic stuttered, "I-I- uh- holy- O-okay?" He managed to blurt and immediately kicked himself. "Eh... Limit yourself, Herr Sniper, bitte?" He forced.

"Yeah, yeah..." he murmured distractedly before grabbing the pillowcase and bolting out of Spy's room.

"Eh... Okay zhen..." Medic mumbled, still a little shocked.  
_I didn't know Spy smoked_ zhat _much!_  
He shook his head as he set to clearing out Spy's personal belongings.

Elsewhere in Sniper's loft, the Australian nicotine addict emptied the pillowcase and immediately set to counting the small _sea_ of fags. He was amused to find a faded note left inside the case that read in fancy handwriting, _For the love of god, keep these away from Sniper._

Sniper chuckled and immediately stuck a cigarette between his lips and lit it up.


	3. Spychecking Sucks

A rocket whizzed past Medic's head quickly followed by several hundred rounds of machine gun fire. Medic danced across the bridge, struggling to get back to his Heavy through the thick of the battle.  
Suddenly the enemy Spy materialized in in front of him and quickly dispatched the Soldier. Suddenly he heard a cry from his pyro that made him freeze, "SPHH!"

Medic whirled around, "Nein, vai-" but he was already on fire.  
He yelped and threw himself over the railing of the bridge into the waters below.  
Grumbling and spluttering, he dragged himself into the pipe to his base.

He rounded the corner into the second pipe and made it halfway through before he heard the hammer in a revolver click back. "What's a Medic doing in ze sewers, hm?"

Slowly Medic turned, coming to face the enemy Spy six feet behind him and pointing a revolver at his face.  
"Oh _bitte_, I'm down here because aus _dich_."

Spy snorted. "_Me_? And why do you say zat, _Doctor_?"

Medic forced himself to relax and let his arms droop to his sides—closer to his bonesaw. "Our Pyro takes spychecking sehr seriously," Medic sighed, gesturing to the burnt patches on his coattails.

Spy shot Medic a sly smile. "Well it _is_ my job," he smirked, letting his revolver falter for a moment.  
Medic took immediate advantage of it, yanking his bonesaw out of his belt and whipping it in a tight arc at Spy in something akin to the throw someone would use for a throwing knife.

It stuck in squarely between his ribs.

"Gachk!"  
Spy stumbled back, revolver dropping into the sewer water. He looked up, smirked and spoke, "Good shot." Before falling backwards, dead.

Medic scoffed.  
"Fool," he spat before turning and continuing on his way back to his base.

A minute later he was grudgingly climbing the stairs, muttering to himself about having water in his boots and needing to drain them.  
A muffled shout drew his attention to _Pyro_, standing at the top of the stairwell, gripping a _Gott verdammt fireaxe_.

Before Medic could say anything Pyro shouted "SPHHCHKK!" and whipped the fireaxe down the stairwell—directly into Medic's chest.

Medic stumbled backwards until he fell hard onto his back with a wild shout.  
He lay there for a minute before reaching up and tearing the axe out of his flesh, wincing as it scraped past his ribs. He threw it down beside him and looked at his chest—there was a clean slice through his uniform but he was otherwise undamaged.  
_Anti-friendly-fire was a wonderous thing_.

He sat up and glared at Pyro.  
"Dummkopf," he spat before clambering to his feet and pushing past the latex-clad _thing_.

He growled lowly under his breath as he climbed the courtyard stairs, heading into the respawn room.

Nearly a second after entering, Soldier respawned with a sharp roar of "SPY!" and descended upon Medic with his shovel.

"Vait, VAIT, Dummkopf, Spies can't even get i—"

_CLANG_.

Medic collapsed onto the hard linoleum floor with a weak grunt—unconscious.

_Everyvone ist ein Dummkopf!_


End file.
